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Hemorrhoid Humor

Hemorrhoid humor is much more effective if you don’t actually have hemorrhoids. When you’re suffering pain and discomfort, being the butt of a hemorrhoid joke is just adding insult to injury. Dave Barry says that you know you’re "middle aged" when hemorrhoid jokes stop being funny. But if you’re still young enough (even if it’s just in spirit) to be a fan of hemorrhoid humor, you’ve come to the right place!

Hemorrhoid Humor on Bumper stickers: - If you were any closer to my ass, you'd be a hemorrhoid. - If you’re not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass. - If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Butt. - Constipated People Don't Give A Shit (ok, so this one’s not technically “hemorrhoid humor” – it’s still a classic)

Definitions of “Hemorrhoid”: - a male from outer space. - what you offer to a hitchhiker.

Wisdom in hemorrhoid humor: - Never confuse super glue with hemorrhoid cream. - Hemorrhoid patients never play musical chairs.

Miscellaneous hemorrhoid jokes:

What’s gross? Tucking your hemorrhoid in the top of your sock so you won’t step on it.

What’s more gross than a hickey on a hemorrhoid? The person who put it there.

Why is it called an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but called a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

What do gay men call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps.

What was the blonde surgeon’s major accomplishment? A hemorrhoid transplant. A man walks into Wal-Mart and the Greeter says, "Welcome to Wal-Mart.. Automotive is on aisle 10." The man asks, "How did you know I needed oil?" The Greeter says, "It's my job." Another guy walks in and he says, "Welcome to Wal-Mart - Sporting Goods are on aisle 16." The guy asks, "How’d you know I wanted a hunting rifle? The Greeter says, "It's my job – it’s what I do." Then a woman walks in and the Greeter says, "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Tampons are on aisle 3." The woman says, "I’m not here for tampons – I need hemorrhoid cream." The Greeter says, "Damn! Missed it by an inch!"

Comedian Jon Kind did a joke about the time he had to go to the doctor because he thought he had a hemorrhoid. He was bent over the table and the doctor looked at his behind and said, "I don't see anything!", very indignantly. Jon said, "I don't know why he says it that way, it's not some kind of game. I'm not going to say, ‘Gotcha! Made you look at my ass again!'"

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